The other day I was pondering (probably to avoid working on something, like how I’m posting this now to avoid something I’m supposed to be doing.) Am I struggling more these past few years, or am I just more aware of the struggle? I have all these goals, which I’m not sure have led to any progress at all…but then, I’ve been known to sleepwalk through years of my life…
So about– gosh, I don’t know, has it been a year? Has it been longer? Since I started with my goals in my flight manual. I suppose I could look it up, but anyway. I’m wondering this morning if I’m struggling more in my attempts to make me a better person, or if I’m just more aware of the struggle because I’ve got it written down and I keep checking back. Or am I struggling more because I was just coasting before, intending to get to stuff “soon?” Or is it just that the world is awful and we’re all struggling?
Yeah, I don’t know. In all likelihood it is that I’m struggling more because I’m trying, but that is cold comfort when it just all seems so hard.
I’m not whining–exactly. It’s worth the struggle. I’m just…tired. And not seeing much progress. I lost a wonderful thirty-ish pounds and I’ve been stalled since. My cooking habits haven’t improved, my writing habits are worse than they were. I gave myself a break on the astronomy when I was way past deadline, and I haven’t taken it back up yet.
Maybe I am whining, but I’m just so tired. Mentally as well as physically. All I want to do is watch reaction videos (Pentatonix and Encanto so far. Trying not to let that spread…)
Side note–it’s so easy to watch those videos and think “people will pay me to watch me enjoy things?!?” but I am reminding myself that I do not have the technical prowess or equipment, and also that I massively hate video calls and it would be like one long video call where I wasn’t muted. Also, I hate asking for things (money, subscriptions) even more than I hate video calls.
Anyway. That’s what I’m doing lately– struggling. I get it, there’s a pandemic on, and I FULLY SUPPORT you and everyone else taking it easy and not pushing things and reminding yourself you’re dealing with a lot of trauma and also idiots prolonging the whole thing– but apparently I think I should be doing more.
Blaaaaaarrgghhhh…
A friend used to tell me the thing he most admired about me was that no matter how many times I got knocked down, I still got up. My reply then was “is there an option?”
Now I know there is. I could just stop trying. Go to work, come home, eat my usual old garbage-y food while I watch reaction videos on anything and everything I love, and not try. I could do that. It’s an option. And I’m still not taking it. I will be getting back up, and I will go on struggling, and I will probably go on whining about it.
I love you all. Smashwords version of May the Best Ghost Win is coming soon, I swear. I’m so sorry it’s taken this long.
Thanks for listening. <3 Have a doggo.
