Anniversary

Yesterday–well, Thursday–was the five year anniversary of Chris’ death.

I wasn’t really expecting it to hurt.

No, that’s not quite what I mean. The anniversary is always a sad time. I love and miss him still. But it’s…usually it’s bittersweet. I take the day off and just be very nice to myself and maybe go do something we’d have enjoyed together, or whatever. Remember the good times, and honor his memory.

But this year, though I told my office manager a month ago (and though she was there the day it happened, and though I’ve taken the day off for the last four years), I couldn’t get the day off. One person had an appt, and the other had something she had to do, and that left me. To run the office alone on a day already guaranteed by the date to be bad.

I still didn’t think much of it. Until I was there. See, I was at work, in that job, the day Chris died. And as the clock moved, I remembered all the bad stuff. Getting a call from his case manager because of the message on his phone. Getting that message myself. Calling a nearby friend to go over there.

Friend and case manager and co-workers, all going and then seemingly vanishing from the face of the earth–I couldn’t reach them again.

S. wasn’t answering me because she was trying to reach my principal. She knew officers were on the way to tell me, and she didn’t want it happening in my office.

But it did. It wasn’t their fault–I knew the moment I saw them.

And I…don’t really want to go over it again. Anyway, that was my Thursday. Running around madly most of the day, and remembering where I was and who was saying what at certain times, every time I got the chance.

Yeah. It was a great f*cking day.