The hook I sent is here.
I want to know more about Taro. Why is he such a slave to Eve? How is he bound by duty and gratitude? It’s the answers to those questions that say a lot about who the characters are, what drives them, so this is important information and you shouldn’t withhold it. Obviously Taro grows through the novel, but you don’t want him to start out so passive and pathetic that the reader is too annoyed to read on. But the fact that he’d “willingly die for her” is endearing enough to make the reader forgive him his apparent spinelessness, or at least put up with it for a while – just tell us why he feels that way. It will help explain his dynamic with Eve, which seems a defining force in the novel.
So enter Rafe, the dashing rogue on the run from his past. Cool. Keep your focus on Taro, and instead of listing a series of plot events stay focused on the throughline of the story, which seems to be about Rafe and Taro’s evolving relationship (do they start out in conflict with one another?) as Taro proves himself by leading them through the escape (don’t rattle off plot events – too generic – give us some vivid, interesting details that help create a much stronger sense of your storyworld) and following adventures. There is a fun, fast-paced story here. But why is Eve such a ballbuster who wants to control every move Taro makes? A ‘mean girl’ can be a fantastic antagonist but not if she comes off as one-dimensional. It might help if you shed some light on what Taro’s understanding of her ‘plan’ is and why this plan means (apparently) everything to her.
This reminds me somewhat of Han/Luke fanfic with bossy sister Leia as the obstacle to their love. Which is not in itself a bad thing, but I don’t get the sense from your hook that this story is quite ready yet–I need a more complex, thought-out sense of character and some more original world-building. Convince me of these things and I’m happy to read more. Pass.
Fortunately, I’d already seen and fixed many of these things before I sent off the latest query. (To an agent my lovely aunt pointed out to me!) Wish me luck!