Emasculating. Humiliating. I broke my own blog. For hours on end, and needed the rescue of a marvelous friend to fix it.
I felt like such a fraud. I don’t think I’m an expert, but I do tend to think I’m better at internet-things than that.
You know how self-doubt always brings friends? I spent yesterday fighting in the ftp of my blog. While waiting for my client to do whatever I’d decided I needed to do this time, I wandered the internets looking for opportunities for non-annoying self-promotion. I found that despite my hopes (foolish, I know) the better-known places reviewing gay fiction are no more inclusive of self-publishing than their more traditional counterparts. I jumped into a few conversations in a site where I’ve been a member for over a year, and was completely ignored (the horror!) in half of them.
I started to wonder. I think I’d be an idiot not to be anxious about my self-publishing venture, but normally I can keep it under control. I am not, after all, risking my (non-existent) farm on it. I’m taking a chance to make my life bigger, but I’m not gambling anything but my belief that my books are worth reading.
It was that belief that came under fire yesterday. With writers–at least with this writer–in the end, it all comes back to the writing. I didn’t jump into conversations pimping my book–I posted my thoughts on the topic of the thread. Did I say it badly? Did I repeat someone else, being too dense to see it? Why didn’t they like me?
The review sites–why are they excluding people? Gays know how it hurts to be marginalized; why wouldn’t they even give me a chance? Why won’t they like me?
How could I even think of hoping people would look at my book and like it, if I couldn’t even get them to look at me?
Whine, whine. It was a day of whining. I’m better now, and able to realize that yesterday my pouty self was acting like a two-year-old.
Here’s what else I realized/remembered today:
- This book made a respected agent dither for a year before she decided not to represent it. Sure, she said no–but not until she thought about it for a year.
- This book was rejected by another agent because he didn’t think it would sell due to the genre. Same agent asked for any fantasy I had.
- This book was read in one sitting by a friend who “hates first-person” and hasn’t read any book in one sitting in quite some time.
- My books have kept people up all night.
- My books have made people late for their cousin’s wedding.
- My books have made people threaten me if I whine that I’m going to stop writing.
- Yes, most of the people who love my work are my friends–but many of them are my friends because they read and liked my writing, and reached out to me because of it.
- I’m not going to hit the NYT bestseller list, but I’m not aiming for it. Sell mega-numbers of an SF book featuring a gay main character who doesn’t die? Yeah, that would really be dreaming.
- I love what I write. I’d rather be moderately (or even not at all) successful sharing work I love than drive myself mad trying to write “the next Twilight.”
So here we are at today. My blog is fixed, and my writing is pretty good. The questions of “is my writing good enough?” and “Can I market what I write effectively?” remain to be answered–but that’s about where we were before I broke my blog, so I’m okay with that.
Regarding Reviewers: It’s not that they don’t like you. It’s not that they’re trying to hurt you. It’s not that they’re marginalizing you on purpose.
Reviewers get anywhere from 2500-4500 books a week to review. There has to be some sort of filter system, and as it happens, the current filter system is “No self-pubbed books”. Believe me, IT’S NOT YOU. There are reviewing resources for independent books, which I posted on Turtleduck because we missed each other in chat.
As for the site where they ignored you…I don’t know. Still willing to bet money that it’s not you. Dying of curiousity as to who would dare ignore you. Thinking that you have enough fangirls already to make up for some site’s lack of brains.
That’s all. *self-identifies with at least four of the categories KD listed* TRUFACTS: Your writing did make me late for my cousin’s wedding. 🙂
Don’t get me wrong, but I take great pride in that TRUFACT.
I know I was naive. I just didn’t think sites reviewing gay fiction would be that busy. Ah well.
You’re… awesome. I know I say that quite regularly and sometimes with such ease that one might think I’m glib about it, but… I truly, really think it. I’ve been fighting with similar doubts, thoughts and feelings for well over the past month, maybe two, and here you are: smacking those thoughts down like a pro, like the warrior woman you are. You. Rock.
I believe Ky’s right about the reviewers, too. I truly believe it has less to do about quality, and more about numbers. It’s just an arbitrary (with some reason, perhaps) decision to make it more manageable for them. It’s NOT you.
As for the site that ignored you, oh lork, have I been there. And yet, I’ve been on the flip-side, and it really has nothing to do with me not liking a post, not liking the poster, or not even thinking the post had nothing to add. A lot of the time, it’s simply because I feel I have nothing to add/respond directly (even though I wish I did) or I’m too busy trying to add my own thoughts (and hoping people will like me). Annnnd, well, so what if they did ignore you. Like Ky said: you have a bunch of people who love you and hang on your every word, and I think they matter more than some stranger or acquaintance.
Love ya.
*HUG*
Yes, that last (big) paragraph in scribbles’s post. What she said.
Can I get dibs on approving Taro? 😀
Oh, I’m over the toddler pout (mostly.) I know stuff like that happens. It was just the conjunction of it all.
Wonderer, I’d love to give you dibs, but you’re about a week late. Kami and Sulwen already have it.
But I’d sure like your opinion on it too, if you have time…
Aw, phooey. 😉 Yes, please!
Yay!! *runs off to send*