Something I Needed

I’m so glad that when DL couldn’t stay and Katami couldn’t come, I didn’t go on the forums and seek roommates. I was going to–I thought I needed the money. (and well–I could certainly use it.) Now, though, I have something that I need just as much if not more–I have alone time.

As a single parent, I don’t get much time alone. Actually, it’s even better than that. I’m more than alone–I’m accountable to no one. I don’t have to be anywhere till it’s time to board my flight tomorrow. I could stay in my hotel room, pantsless and dancing madly (and badly) to all the good stuff in my MP3. I could spend the whole time hanging out in a chair in the lobby, watching the world go by. I could go out and explore San Francisco (as long as I did it on foot; see money situation mentioned above.) I could do any or all of the above, or none at all, and no one will be hurt or inconvenienced. No one will even notice, but for a few friends I may or may not hook up with later. I already saw them, though, so it won’t be a tragedy if we don’t connect. I do plan to find them–but I don’t  have to, and that’s the important part.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my daughter and my life, and the responsibilities I have, I have chosen. But everyone needs a break sometimes, and this is my first time foot-loose and fancy free and completely on my own in two years. (Comic-con was marvelous and awesome and tons of fun, but it doesn’t count towards this. I regret nothing–and deny everything–but you have to see that while it makes for a complete and utter blast, sharing a hotel room with seven people does not allow peace and deep breathing. Or pantsless dancing.)

Joss flourishes in a place like this. He first came to me at Yaoi-Con, and every time I hit San Francisco he knows it’s playtime. He is a most excellent partner in my bishie-stalking. (oh look, she’s talking about her characters like they are real again. Humor her; it’s easier on everyone.) I get here and all my characters get more active. More talkative. They know it’s time for us–pure joy, pure fun, and time to let everything and everyone hang out.

Sometimes I feel really bad about spending the time and money to come here, even though I know I need this. We’re not supposed to need things, you know. Women, especially moms, are supposed to give and give, unselfishly and eternally. What I have to remember is that I’m also an artist, and artists have to be “selfish” if they’re going to produce anything. For me, for my writing, for my career and for my one-day fans, I needed this. And I’m so glad I overcame the guilt to take it.

Now I’m going to take the netbook somewhere less loud (there is a piano/bass viol duo playing in the brunch area. They are very good, but I’m too close) and find somewhere slightly quieter with a softer chair (oh my poor ass…) and maybe I’ll write some more of that Joss-convinces-another-straight-man-that-he’s-not story. Or maybe I won’t. Maybe I’ll go and buy myself some cat ears. Or a tail. Maybe I’ll stalk HamletMachine and/or Jiuge a bit. Or take more cosplay pictures. More Huggsley pictures. Maybe I’ll go hang out in the manga library for a bit.

On a note slightly related to the cat ears, I have new fingerless gloves. Black suede on the palms, a black net material on the backs. They are remarkably awesome, but they are not easy to type in. Especially on the netbook. And my little finger is barely visible. But did I mention they are awesome?