I don’t know. All I know is I am in hell. Again.
I’m pre-enrolling students for next year, which basically means I’m marking their records that they intend to come here, and updating their contact information. And every time I come across parents that are together (most of them are, these are GATE kids, and there’s some strange correlation between solid marriages and smart kids), I can’t help but wonder why the hell they get to be together. Why do some people get to be happy most of their lives, while others struggle and strangle for want of a little help, or just a little peace?
I’m not too bad at living for the moment, so I did have a lot of joy with Chris. I’m grateful for that. But damn it! We fought our way through years of addictions and arguments, two evictions, ten moves, 6 apathetic case workers, countless doctors and bureaucrats, one separation, a couple car accidents, a few cars that died a natural death, and his mother’s marital sabotage.
Most of those troubles can be laid to my choosing such a troubled man in the first place. I know that. I accepted the challenges, threw myself into the battle–and he was getting better. The “end” was in sight. I know he could never be cured, but damn it, he was almost stable! He had a doctor AND a case manager that cared. And he was doing terrific.
Then all the bureaucrats pushed together, and he fell.
How can I work my ass off, fight with all my heart, love with all my soul, and still LOSE? What the hell kind of world is this?
I want my husband back!