She’s Not a Fake!

A friend once told me that she felt like she wasn’t good enough at her job. She was afraid of being caught–that people would figure out she didn’t belong in her position. Her counselor had told her to put a note somewhere only she could see it, something affirming. You are good enough, maybe. Or you earned this position. I don’t remember that part exactly. What I remember is thinking there’s a name for it! and It’s not true! and I’m not the only one!

The friend who made this confession is both a wonderful human being and a skilled and knowledgeable professional. I couldn’t believe she could ever think she wasn’t good enough, even as I thought that I was the real fraud. I was the one who wasn’t good enough.

It’s called Impostor Syndrome. It’s “the domain of the high achiever.” It’s more likely to affect women than men. Kate Winslet has felt it. Tina Fey, too. God help us, Maya Angelou feared being “found out” when she’d already published eleven books!

Impostor Syndrome sometimes makes me miserable. Most of the time I can stay ahead of it–I have a lot of wonderful friends who say nice things to me regularly. At work for years, I was the one who knew “everything.” Can’t figure it out? Ask KD. She knows all. These things gave me ammo for the fight. You see, I know deep down it’s not true, that I’m pretty awesome, but there’s always doubt. A long time ago I was described (by a professional) as “naively optimistic.” That’s ammo for the other side. What if I just think I’m awesome sometimes, but really I’m a fraud all the time?

This summer I’ve found myself unexpectedly job-hunting. You may guess that’s when the impostor thing really jumped me. Somehow I’d snowed them all for eleven years, but now I was found out. Now it was over. And how was I supposed to get another job? Dear God we’ll be homeless I can’t be homeless I have a child to support.

Did I, at any point, say this Impostor Syndrome was realistic?

Here’s another confession for you–I check my book sales just about every day. I look on Goodreads for new reviews, too. I don’t need much validation. Just a wee bit, that’s all. Steady sales, as I’ve mostly enjoyed since Knight Errant came out, are sufficient. If sales are slumping at the moment but someone said they liked something on Goodreads, I’m still good.

This month, though, as I’ve dealt with job-hunting, my sales have been in a slump. Maybe it’s July. Maybe it’s that my online presence has been a bit of a downer. Maybe it has absolutely nothing to do with me or my books, but even my free stories haven’t been getting reviews.

On Thursday I was offered and accepted a fantastic job that is so right up my alley it isn’t even funny. I’m thanking God and the universe–while I tell myself that yes I can do this job, that’s why I applied for it and that’s why they interviewed me and all my references said that it was perfect for me and that’s why they hired me.

But what if they find me out?

Screw that. You know what?

I’m a good writer. Some people love my books. That hasn’t changed just because less people than usual have bought books today.

I’m also a good employee. I can run a middle school registration and help 250 people in three hours, and I can do it three days in a row. I can show teachers how to take attendance, show administrators how to work their email, and show a child how to solve a slope equation, and I can do it all without making anyone feel inadequate. I can form a bond with the angriest parents, eke cooperation out of the most obstinate teacher, and make friends with the shyest of kids.

I. Effing. Rock.

So there.