Perils of a Perfect Partner

Do you know that person who has it all together? In high school she had the schedule of work for every course copied into her planner, and she carried that planner everywhere. Even months ahead, she knew when she was going to start and finish each assignment, and she studied daily. If you forgot to write down the assignment or dumped coffee on your notes—or ditched class to meet your boyfriend behind the stairwell—she was the one you called to catch you up.

You had the higher IQ, but she was the one with a 3.92 GPA, a job, and her college picked out. She made it look so easy that your parents were always asking why you didn’t just do what she did.

You were on friendly terms, but you never actually hung out—she never had time. Besides, she didn’t party, she didn’t go to concerts, and she was too intent on saving for college to take $20 to the movies. She had a car, but it was old and trustworthy, not the kind that got boys’ attention. She didn’t get boys’ attention, unless they’d ditched class to meet their boyfriend under the stairs and needed her notes.

Then you both go to the same college, and she’s now your roommate. Her half of the room is always neat. She brought the refrigerator, and it’s always clean and full of healthy snacks. She gently suggests you should clean your microwave once in a while–it will work better. Sometimes she just quietly does it, and you get guilty pangs putting your leftover Kung Pao Chicken in that nice clean microwave, but not so much that you remember to cover your food to prevent spatters. She goes to the gym three times a week and always invites you to pull yourself off Tumblr and join her. She never runs out of clean clothes because she does her laundry while Game of Thrones is on so the laundry room isn’t busy. She always invites you to that too, but Game of Thrones. She never stays up all night cramming, and she never points out that you should have studied with her all those times she invited you to grab a carrot stick and a seat.

She cooks. She cleans. She knows where her keys are. She’s chosen her major and mapped out her degree plan and has figured out how and when she’ll have her student loans paid off. She has a job and a 3.97 GPA and she’d be happy to show you how to do it all too.

Do you hate her?

I’ll confess I’d have to work hard at not hating her. Which is why it always confuses me when people say in reviews that Lukas in Louder than Sirens, Louder than Bells is “too perfect.”

Maybe I’m misunderstanding what the reviewers are trying to say. I don’t read it as “Lukas has it together more than anyone possibly could” because I know people like this, and I bet most of you do too. I read it as “Lukas has no faults” and let me tell you—if a guy like Lukas wanted to be my significant other, I would run the other way. I’m not perfect and I don’t want to be. I would find it exhausting. I don’t want a babysitter or a conscience, and I don’t want a partner who is always cleaning up after me—physically, socially, financially…no. Just no.

I’m not complaining about the reviews! I love that people have enjoyed the story, have interacted with it enough to form this opinion of Lukas. And I love that I’m going to take that very perception of his perfection and show how being perfect can absolutely be a fatal flaw.

Muahahahahaahaa…