Not that I’m the Miss Manners of the Bereaved, but I thought I’d say my bit. Gives me a chance to vent, might help you. Winners all around.
Don’t say, “If you ever need anything, call,” unless you mean EVER. And ANYTHING. Insincerity is never a good thing, to those in pain it can be like a blow.
Don’t ask, “How are you doing?” They are not doing well. You might show your support with something like, “I’m glad to see you standing,” or, “That red dress matches your eyes.” Okay, maybe those aren’t a good idea either. But “How are you doing?” asked fifty times a day gets a little wearing.
If you want to help, think a little. I have been blessed in this crisis with caring, compassionate, creative friends and family. My brother and sis-in-law have dealt with many of the harsh realities for me, making phone calls, chauffeuring me when I can’t see to drive, feeding me when I can’t find the energy to put pasta and sauce together to make food. Other friends have done my laundry, watched my daughter, and caught up my filing at work.
If you never hugged the person before–don’t hug them now. A loving touch is just as caring, and less likely to feel like an invasion.
Try your best to think of something good to say about the deceased. Even if you didn’t know him very well. Someone told me today, “From what I knew of him, he was a good person.” As the person had met him once for a few minutes, it was sincere, it was appropriate, and it was appreciated.
Don’t say “At least” anything. “At least he didn’t suffer,” “At least you still have so-and-so,” and my personal favorite, “At least he didn’t do it at home.” Don’t say any of those, and probably a bunch more. I can’t think of a single “at least” I would want to hear.
If you have any good memories of the person, share. If the bereaved is like me, she will cry. But she will be grateful.
I think everyone knows not to say, “I know how you feel.” It’s a no-brainer. No, you don’t, unless your husband of six years killed himself in the last week too, after being stranded in a motel a mile from home, unable to come home. Even then, you probably don’t know how I feel.
Don’t say anything bad about the deceased. This should be a no-brainer too, but someone did tell me how selfish he was, killing himself and leaving me to deal with the mess. You can look at it that way if you like, though I suggest you know the circumstances before passing judgment. But for God’s sake, don’t tell that to someone who’s crying her eyes out!
Don’t be afraid to laugh. Every time I think of Chris helping medical research, I think of the scene from Young Frankenstein, where Igor breaks the brain he was sent for, and steals the abnormal one instead. I have to smile. “Abbie Normal” fits my husband to a T.
Again, it’s just my list. But it makes sense, I think. I’ve dealt with a lot of people who said things like, “I don’t know what to say.” And that’s okay. I’d much rather you said that than, “At least you don’t have to worry about him anymore.”